Blog #69

Heads we get married, tails we break up. That’s how it goes, right? Every relationship is a gamble. We know when we enter into it that we are either going to get married or break up and that scares us. It will either be a story of happily ever after or a story of heart break. But what happens when you’re not a gambler? The question is do you go all in or do you fold right there?

I believe love is a risk worth taking. Yes, it can all go wrong, but then again, it can all go right. I’ve never been much of a gambler or a risk taker. I like sure bets. I like to know the ending ahead of time. That’s why I was terrified when I found myself in my current situation. I’ve been through it all before. A few times actually. It’s always the same story. I meet a great guy, we start dating, it’s fun for a while, but there is never a real connection. We just never really click, and eventually it ends. I’m a huge believer in the click. It’s that moment when you meet someone and they get your humor, and they play along with your jokes. And you laugh at the same ridiculous things that, in reality, are not really that funny. And you’re always smiling, and you can’t help it. And your stomach hurts from laughing so hard. He’ll tell you you’re beautiful and you might actually believe it this time. It’s that moment when you put on his coat and it smells like a mixture of polo and cigarettes, and even though you’ve always hated the smell of cigarettes, you love wearing it because it smells exactly like him. But most importantly, it’s that moment when you’re standing there with his arms around you, and he’s giving you what feels like the best hug ever, and it just feels right. You feel safe, like right there in that moment nothing can hurt you. That’s a necessary component of a relationship.

This time is different though. The click is there, at least for me. He just fits. He fits in a way that no one else has fit before. He makes me smile just by looking at me, and sometimes laughing at me. I find it almost impossible to be in a bad mood around him. And there is so much I love about him. I love the way his hair blows in the wind. I love the way he looks at me while smacking his lips a million times when I say something stupid. I love the look on his face when he tells me I’m beautiful and the softness of his voice when he says it. I love how he looks when he’s all dressed up with sunglasses on. I love that he loves sunglasses. I love the way he plays guitar, even when I’m trying to watch a movie. I love that he will watch Pretty Little Liars with me, and that he will watch Johnny Bananas kick ass on the Challenge. I love how he actually gives it some serious thought when I say crazy things like let’s live in a townhouse in Paris overlooking the Eiffel Tower, and when I come up with crazy ideas like devoting a whole bedroom to a dog. But most of all, I love that he loves me.

I’m not saying he’s perfect, because he’s not. And that’s ok, because I’m not perfect either, but together we are perfectly imperfect. I don’t care that he has a past. I don’t care that he doesn’t like college basketball, and I don’t care that he really doesn’t like Shania Twain. I don’t care that he’s constantly late and talks like a mouse. And I don’t care that he will take the time to help everybody in the world before coming to see me. Ok, maybe I do care about that one a little bit but that is just him being a good person.

The truth is I took the gamble. I decided to go all in and now I’m scared. He has the choice to walk away at any moment. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or next week, or next year. All I know is I don’t want to worry about it and just enjoy right now.

Unlike poker, love has consequences far greater than the mind can perceive. That’s why so many people try to avoid it. But sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes falling in love starts off slow and then happens all at once. Suddenly the ante is raised and all you can do is pray for a royal flush.

Logically, love is not a gamble you should take, but I say to hell with logic. Go all in. Give it all you’ve got. Go big or go home because without love, life is mediocre at best.

-          Brittany

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